The second most question we are asked is “when are you going to have your own kids?” We struggle with how to answer this question. You can hear our thoughts on why. Click here to download.
In this episode we talk about:
- Why we’re troubled by an innocent question
- Consider birth order
- Foster kids are always expected to bend
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susanmarie said,
September 16, 2007 @ 12:22 pm
Interesting podcast. As far as how people should ask if you plan to grow your family…. I kind of think there is no good way. I think it’s just too nosy – the kind of question that is okay for your sister or brother to ask, but that’s about it. Maybe close friends too – but I still think it’s a bit borderline. So I guess I’d choose: “Do you plan to grow your family more after you adopt?” like you suggested.
I too HATE the “kids of your own” phrasing. It is just SOOO ignorant. You are very gracious to want to be kind and use it as a teaching moment. I think I would respond as you are, with: “These ARE our kids.” And said with a smile. I think the person would get the point.
But if you are asked in front of A and L… that might be awkward if they aren’t ready to think of themselves as yours. But you’re the best judge of that, of course!
Thanks for educating us all on this “crazy system.” =) By the way, I think I have your sign-off memorized. =)
Samantha said,
September 17, 2007 @ 1:55 am
This podcast has been great to listen to! I’d love to chat with you two more over email as my husband & I are just starting to get into the fostering world too!
rachelj said,
September 17, 2007 @ 9:15 am
I’m another listener who doesn’t know you, but you guys have been very helpful. I found your podcast by searching on iTunes for podcasts about foster care or adoption. Please keep it up! My husband and I live in AZ and we finished our state adoption certification about 2 months ago. On the topic of questions we constantly get, ours are more along the lines of “Have you heard anything yet?” and “Isn’t there anything you can do to move it along?” ITs only been 2 months, so I can imagine we’ll be hearing this some more. What is constantly on our minds while waiting for the call is, how much of a shock will it be to get (pardon the term) an ‘insta-family’? This will be our first child, and likely not an infant. We are afraid there won’t be time for trial and error, and we want to be able to help our child as much as possible while transitioning them from foster care to our adoptive home.
crystal said,
September 17, 2007 @ 9:12 pm
I have to agree with Susan. I have a hard time asking even my brother the “so when are you having kids” type question. I guess that if anyone wants us to know then they’ll tell us when they are ready . And then to ask you guys that questions when you DO have kids, yikes! I think just asking if you plan on more children in your family is a good one.
Along the same lines:
Here are other questions to avoid that really annoy me:
“So, do you know what your having?” to a pregnant women. Yes, I do and its a baby. I think people just don’t want to use the word sex. As in “do you know the sex of the baby?”
“So will you be really disapointed if its a boy” or “Are you trying for the girl?” No, I won’t be disapointed and even if I were, do you think i would admit it?
Thanks for the great podcast. That made me really sad to here that Andrea had to endure being called a different name. Maybe a nickname or sorts would have been better. Or, like you said, calling the “biological” daughter a different name, like her middle name.
Elizabeth V said,
September 18, 2007 @ 12:44 pm
Abbreviated Post:
(I have so much to say, but some may be too personal for public view. Plus, I have to leave to go get my daughter (not her real name) from preschool in about 5 minutes.)
I want to thank you for pointing out how this can be an offensive question. I’m afraid I might be guilty of asking it. (But I got bonus points for the toy dishes, so we’re even. Haha. You have no idea how happy I was to be mentioned in your last podcast. I’M FAMOUS! LOL Anyway….) So, I’m sorry for that, and I thank you for bringing this to my attention.
You are right to note that I mean no offense. To that end, I want to give you a couple of things to think about.
First, before you got married, did nobody ask you when you were getting married? Didn’t anybody ever ask if you were dating anybody before you met each other? I know people asked me these things. And they asked when my husband and I were having children (a difficult question in the time between our miscarriage and first child.) And they asked when we were having another child (a difficult question in the nearly 3 years it took to conceive him, knowing we’d had a miscarriage, not knowing whether the Lord intended us to have more, but desperately wanting them.) Guess what? Our son, our dearly beloved second child (that is his real name, btw) is 13 months old, and last week, somebody asked me when I was going to have another baby.
So, my point here is just that either 1) people are nosy, or 2) people who love you are excited for you and your future and curious about your plans. Um, I like option 2 (even though option 1 may play a role!) I guess you, and I, and all of us humans, just have to get used to it. It would happen even if you weren’t fostering, but you probably do get more questions because you are fostering, which leads me right into….
The second thing I want to say is to point out the obvious. You are doing things differently from what is normal. People may just want to know how it works. I love you and support you in your efforts, but it is an unfamiliar world to me, for one. And probably to a lot of people. That’s why you’re offering your podcasts. That’s why I’m grateful for them. And maybe that’s why I asked my nosy, rude question. Not because I think what you are doing is inferior parenting, but just because I don’t know how it all works, and I’m curious what your plans are. (I love you! I’m excited for your future!)
Oh, I just wouldn’t be me if I didn’t throw in something for-girls-only: Wendy, I’ve given birth 2 times. Trust me, you haven’t missed out on much. I am in the middle of making my daughter her Halloween costume (Sleeping Beauty.) I made the crown first so she could play with it while I worked on the rest of it. The first night, she clutched it to her chest while she was sleeping. That’s the good stuff. I’m not hanging on to memories of her birth, but that, I will never forget.
Much love,
Elizabeth
iwritetheblogs said,
September 18, 2007 @ 8:00 pm
T: thanks for visiting my site and, much more important, thanks for all the great stuff going on here! You and your wife are providing an excellent service to the web community. As you know, I work for a nonprofit foster and family agency and we are always looking for resources to which we can refer our people. (How’s that for not ending in a preposition?) May we informally direct some of our more web-savvy foster parents to your site?
Michelle said,
September 20, 2007 @ 7:54 am
Hey guys, thanks for sharing your stories of foster-to-adopt via Podcasting. My husband and I have been listening to each episode, and really value your input as a couple who’s not just “been there, done that,” but in the process of “doing that” now. You deserve kudos for not only welcoming your girls into your home, but for being so open about sharing your stories with people you both know and don’t know (like us LOL).
Jon (my husband) and I are in the process of fostering to adopt–we’ve recently completed our 30 hours of MAPP classes and are now working on fulfilling the additional 30 hours’ worth of electives (workshops, books, films, CPR classes) to meet our agency’s requirements. We are excited about the opportunity to welcome children into our home when they have no place else to go.
Our circumstances sound like they are a little different than yours. We had been trying to have children for a number of years and have gone through minimal infertility counselling and therapy (including medication); but when those efforts failed, we decided to put our money toward adopting a sibling group who needed a good home rather than spend it on in-vitro.
Relevant to this topic, we have been married for more than eight years and have been faced with similar intrusive questions–”when are you going to have kids?” etc. When we told friends and family members we were going to adopt out of the foster system, we did get the questions like, “So are you still going to have in-vitro at some point?” I agree with what Elizabeth V has said above, that adopting in any form is out of the “norm” and it is a natural reaction of people to be confused at why a couple wouldn’t *want* to get pregnant and give birth in the usual way. Putting aside the option of getting pregnant and giving birth to adopt a child–for whatever reason, whether it is by choice or by necessity via infertility (as in our case)–is still, even in the 21st Century, seen by society as deviating from that “norm.”
Please don’t take this as a slight, but this is an observation of mine, having lived in Texas and being immersed in “the Bible belt” at one point in my life. I notice that it is common in the evangelical religious community to consider it a woman’s “duty” to get pregnant and make babies. So I’m guessing this is the pressure that might be exerted on you at this time. Whether or not you intend to have biological children someday, please be aware that this might be the source of where that questioning is coming from. IMO it is not right and there’s a lot, and I mean a LOT of implicit sexism and subservience from that POV, but it is something that does exist and it just kind of goes with the territory. Just an objective observation from an outsider.
Anyway, again, our hearts go out to you for all you’re going through. I sure do hope you’re able to adopt the two little girls who are in your care now; they sound like a handful, but full of life and lots of love.
blissteredseoul said,
September 30, 2007 @ 8:59 pm
Hey T and W,
I LOVE this blog! I really enjoy listening to you two, such great chemistry;) Also, very informative and eye opening.
Laura D.